Today is the end.
Today is the beginning.
Today is the end of the life I have fought to create for myself over the last 3 years.
I am currently standing in front of my company’s gigantic, industrial printer fidgeting with the temperamental monster and trying to calm my quickly escalating anxiety. With a loud cranking-like noise the beast comes alive and begins ejecting 25 copies of the piece of paper that would change my life. Surely, I didn’t need 25 copies of my resignation letter. But I was so thankful that I was able to get at least one copy printed that I didn’t complain. I did, however, temporarily imagine how funny it would be to place a copy in the mailbox cubby of each director that worked at our distribution center.
You get a letter! You get a letter! You get a letter!
Oprah Winfrey Style, that’s gotta be a good way to go out.
The small chuckle that that particular thought gave me helped to relieve the overwhelming anxiety that was quickly building in my chest but, alas, it was short lived. I tried to remind myself that the choking anxiety I was currently experiencing was a positive thing.
I mean.... it had to be right?
“The best things in life are scary, right?”
“The fact that I’m this nervous to quit my job means that I just care a lot, not that it’s the wrong decision… right?”
“What if I fail?”
“What if I lose myself”
I mean c’mon….. who walks away from a six figure job without a concrete financial plan?
Only an insane person….
I look down at my hands and notice the tiny beads of sweat starting to accumulate in the lined creases of my palm. This is ridiculous, right? I am a grown ass woman. I should not be getting sweaty palms from a decision I am confident is the right one for me.
Side note:
I’ve actually always suffered from this gross and annoying sweaty palm syndrome. Most people don’t know this, however, because I tend to be known as someone who is extremely confident and sure of themselves. Whether it is in board meetings, presentations, crisis situations, in personal life, or in life in general…. I am confident. Or so I’ve trained myself to look like.
I remember this one time, a VP in my company approached me while I was mentally preparing myself to take the stage for a presentation I had in front of not only the CEO of the U.S., but also the CEO of our entire international operations. (Needless to say, the anxiety level was a tad high.) He said my name from behind and when I turned around, he had his hand outstretched to greet me. I didn’t have enough time to wipe my hand on my pencil skirt and so instead… I grit my teeth, put my best smile on, and placed my damp, moist hand into his for a firm handshake, hoping to god that he either wouldn’t notice or wouldn’t be totally grossed out. Being the professional that he was, he didn’t mention it. But he did however say something that made me believe he knew exactly what I was doing. He simply smiled knowingly at me and said, “Don’t overthink it Nicole, speak from the heart and the confidence will come.”
I try to remember those heavy and inspiring words right now as I walk down the hall to my boss’s office with the intent of changing the trajectory of my life with the letter in my hand.
But I think I’m getting ahead of myself. (I tend to do that often. I apologize in advance.)
My name is Nicole. Hi.
I would normally do an introduction, but I think it should happen organically. That’s one reason why I enjoy writing so much. Along the way, you’ll get to know me through my thoughts, emotions, corny jokes, and through my journey.
So instead let’s focus on this job situation.
It should be noted that there was no real major catalyst to this decision to leave my job. I’ve been with my company for a little less than 3 years. Although I’ve already expressed my want to quit to you, I, in no means, want that fact to be confused with ingratitude. Contrastingly, I am so thankful for every single challenge, opportunity, failure, and success I’ve experience from this company. I learned many things from them, but more on those later. The one lesson I’m most thankful for is the ability to be self-aware. To know what my strengths and weaknesses are, to know what makes me happy, and to know what I need in life. Ironically, if it wasn’t for this particular teaching from my company, I probably wouldn’t have made the decision I did. So I probably owe them a debt of gratitude.
Later that day, I step out of our regional office building into the bright sunlight. There is a lightness to my step that I’ve never felt before. Funny how an hour ago the anxiety was as heavy as an elephant sitting on my chest, and now the giddiness is as light as a balloon threatening to carry me into the air. I have to stop myself from skipping to the car. I can’t wait to rush back to my apartment and hug my sister and friend who flew all the way from Florida to support me.
As I turn the key in the ignition, another crippling thought comes to my mind…..
“Now what?”
…. But I quickly push it aside. Choosing to procrastinate that particular question and those details until after we’ve celebrated with a copious amount of tequila.
Like how all major life decisions should always be made….
All I know for certain is that this is the start.
Live everyday as if it is "The Start"...!
LIFE IS GOOD!