Pineapple Kind Of Friends

Three years ago, I took a job offer that relocated me to Hanover, Germany. During the first couple of months I took classes at the local Berlitz language school in an effort to make my transition into this foreign country a little easier…. It only barely minimized the gigantic cultural gap that I felt between my Hispanic nature and the German way of life. It wasn’t until a mentor of mine put the emotions and differences I was feeling into a very simple metaphor that I started to understand it a little more clearly. He stated that the differences between Americans and Germans could be summed up very easily by comparing them to fruit. That’s right….fruit.

He explained that Americans tended to be like peaches…. Very soft on the outside which symbolized our willingness and ease at making quick friendships through communication and openness. However, similarly to a peach, we also have a hard pit at the center. This represented the extreme difficulty Americans tend to have with letting people in on a deeper level. Contrastingly, he explained that Germans tended to be like coconuts. They had an almost impermeable exterior but with a hallow and sweet center. My mentor explained that this is how he viewed himself. It took a very long time for him to open up and be friendly at the beginning; but if you proved your loyalty and genuinely showed interest in a long-term friendship, then the exterior would crack, and you would have made a friend for life.

Now, remember to take these metaphors with a grain of salt. For me, I enjoyed the imagery that came along with this explanation and it truly helped me understand that it was just a cultural difference and not something I should take personal. It was a way for me to understand the interpersonal and psychological tendencies we tend to have when dealing with new people. In a way it’s all just different aspects of self-preservation. We prioritize and exhibit the emotions we feel we must when coming in contact with new people and when attempting to make friends. It’s not easy but we must all find a way that works for us.

Since beginning my travels, I have often been asked, “Isn’t it hard to make friends every single day just to say goodbye to them tomorrow?’

There is no simple answer to this. I do believe it’s a skill I’ve acquired while traveling but it is also something I have to work on every single day. It’s a tough tight rope to balance.

On one hand I’m realistic enough when meeting people to know that we must part ways inevitable, but I must also make sure that this knowledge doesn’t jade me too much. Otherwise I fall into the mentality of “Well why even try then??”.

The other side of this double-edged sword is that because of the unusual short time frame in which you have with people before either they, or yourself, moves onto the next city, you must really push yourself to remain open and authentic and that, ladies and gentlemen, is no easy feat.

99% of the people who know me would swiftly and confidently describe me as friendly, open, and extroverted. They often comment on the “ease” in which I make friends and the speed in which I can find something in common with someone. However, the very few who really know me would understand the truth in my next statement. I strongly consider myself to be an extraverted introvert. I think this stems from my unworldly level of awkwardness and sheer bad luck (and those who know me best could definitely attest to this character trait as well). Keep in mind that this isn’t the cute type of awkwardness, but more the real cringe worthy kind.

Sometimes I’ll walk into a hostel common room and try to meet people. If you could only hear the conversation I have in my head during these interactions, then you’d really understand.

Okay Nicole, walk in there confidently.

Smile, look friendly

Not THAT friendly, you don’t want to look like a psycho killer

Say hello….

Jesus don’t yell at the poor girl! Use your indoor voice

Okay, you’ve made contact… Good job…. Stay engaged… don’t get distracted

Yeah…… That’s how awkward I am. Lucky for me, I’ve been told my interactions come off very natural… little do they know the effort it takes sometimes. Lately, I’ve gotten in a bad habit of diving too deep, too early. This is a combination of two different things I think. The first being that I’ve always believed that you have to dig deep sometimes with probing questions to really get to know someone. The second catalyst is that when traveling it’s hard to break the monotonous routine of what I like to call the “Fantastic 4” questionnaire.

· What’s your name?

· Where are you from?

· How long are you traveling for?

· Where’s your favorite place you’ve visited?

These are normal questions to ask someone. However, when you’ve been asked these questions in this order for the millionth time you tend to have your monologue rehearsed perfectly (and that’s no way to stay authentic).

So anyway, it’s because of these two reasons that caused the pendulum swing reaction.

Side note: if you’ve never heard this idiom used before, here’s a quick explanation. It tends to refer to the equal and opposite motion of direction the pendulum (or an action) will inevitably swing when it is forced in one direction.

So, for example, in an effort to make friends and be normal… it sometimes causes an overcorrection and ironically produces the opposite effect.

Real life example: two days, I was in Bangkok, Thailand. I had checked into a particularly social hostel and had done the obligatory pub crawl that first night where I met a lot of fun and friendly people.

*Socializing Tip* = Any form of alcohol tends to be a great lubricant in the mechanical process of meeting new people. (Also, I’m not sure if I should use the term lubricant as an adjective in this situation but hopefully you know what I mean)

So anyway, due to the loud music and high levels of intoxication, our knowledge of each other collectively included a few awkward dance moves, one sharpie mustache drawn from a dare, a street scorpion consumed in a blur, and a mutual loathing of the deadly alcohol buckets. The next day, after we all nursed our hangovers with a beer and swapped war stories, we attempted to be a little cultural and decided to head to the famous weekend market in Bangkok. I climbed into the taxi with two of the guys from the night before. The taxi driver had an interesting playlist selected. If I was to name it in iTunes, it would have to be called “My boyfriend broke my heart and took my dog” playlist. The boys feigned tears of sadness and we all laughed harder and harder as each new depressing song began playing through the speakers. As a moment of silence overcame the car, I figured this would be a good opportunity to get to know them a little better. However, in my effort to avoid the Fantastic 4 questionnaire and with my cringe worthy awkwardness, I somehow came to the conclusion that the best question to ask them both was “So when was the last time you guys legitimately cried?”…..

*Pendulum swing* *Smacks hand to forehead*

In retrospect I realize that this isn’t a normal question. Let alone a question to ask someone that you’re attempting to befriend. And if I hadn’t known that fact as soon as the question left my lips, then their reactions would have most certainly reinforced that notion.

The guy in the front seat turned around and said, “Damn girl, seriously?”. The guy next to me let out a whistle and merely said “Whoa”. I chuckled casually and turned to stare out my window.

This epic fail of social interaction would only be able to be described as Rambutan fruit. If you’ve never seen it or heard of it then definitely look it up. Everything about this fruit is awkward. It looks awkward… you think the colorful spikes would be rough but instead their soft. It’s awkward to eat…. It has a gel like composition that you want to put in your entire mouth, but you can’t since there is a hard pit at the center. This causes you to have to eat it by either sucking on it or by biting small bits and pieces from it at a time…. Awkward.

So needless to say, I don’t have it all figured out. I’m still learning from daily interactions that I either bomb completely or that I create lifelong friends through.

When people ask what my secret is to being so social and making so many friends I tell them the truth about my awkwardness but I also tell them that I think it comes down to three main things that I always try to emulate when making new friends….

1) Be observant

2) Be self-aware

3) Be Empathetic

This is the nature of travel and of meeting new people…absorb what you can, make an impact when you can….. and then move on. It tends to have a different construct then socializing back in your home city. Traveling provides a unique combination of truths in which you come to realize are imperative to the process of making friends…

1) You’re not promised tomorrow so you’re forced to show exactly who you are in a tight time frame

2) You’re complete strangers so there are no preconceived notions of who you should or shouldn’t be. This kind of freedom from judgment gives way to the ultimate truth of who you are.

3) You don’t NEED a new friend, you WANT a new friend. As a solo traveler, it’s always nice to meet new people but it’s not something that I need to do. Thus, the intention in which I reach out or attempt to get to know someone is completely pure. Often, when living in the same city for a long time, we fall into friendships of comfortability and convenience. That isn’t something I find to be the same when you’re moving around as often as I am.

So in conclusion to this rambling post, you have to be both the peach AND the coconut at the same time. The Peaconut if you will…. Just kidding, that sounds ridiculous and it would most likely not taste the best either. And when possible you should attempt to avoid being the Rambutan fruit.

I think if I had to choose a fruit in which to represent my approach in meeting people and making friends while traveling, I’d have to go with the pineapple and here’s why…

Pineapples are a unique looking fruit. They don’t have a hard shell per say, but instead have a soft exterior with some spikes scattered about. They are bright and smell good (two important factors in making friends, no one likes a smelly friend). But mainly, I would choose pineapples as my metaphor because making friends while traveling is bitter sweet. It’s a cycle of happiness when you meet, sadness when you say goodbye, and content when you meet again in another part of the world.

So, here’s to all the fantastic pineapples I’ve met so far during my travels and apologizes to all of the people that I’ve been a Rambutan to!